I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
