i already hear my dad disowning me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
