His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
