apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize