I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
