you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
