I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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