I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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