im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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