a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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