I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize