and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
