You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
