dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
