she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
