Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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