It was confusing and full of hummus
Hippo gnu deer
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
