My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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