i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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