I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
