I didn't shave. On purpose
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
