I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
This is not my ceiling
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
