I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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