I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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