i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
