if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
