yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
