is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
