my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize