Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
