My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
