i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
