I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
