end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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