i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
