After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
