...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
