the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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