The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
