Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize