I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
