Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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