My sheets look like a crime scene.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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