I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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