he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
