I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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