marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
