he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize