you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
