I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
