I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
