I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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