if i can run in heels then i can drive
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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