you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
